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Article of Interest - Coping With Grief

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Bridges4Kids LogoChildren Often Can't Verbalize Their Grief, So Symptoms May be Hard to Spot
by Caryn Meyers Fliegler, Jackson Citizen Patriot, October 28, 2003
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In the world of adults, talking represents the most common way to deal with grief. But for children, words are sometimes the last resort.

Jennifer Willson, 12, mourned the loss of her grandmother, Barbara Dixon, by decorating a candle in a tin coffee can and setting it out on the waters of a serene Michigan lake.

"We also made a flag about how we felt about stuff, and made a teddy bear," the Jackson resident said.

She created these projects while attending Camp BraveHeart, a weekend retreat created by area hospices to help grieving children. The camp, which will take place again next summer, is one of many activities and groups in and near Jackson County that help children deal with grief.

For Jennifer and other children who have experienced the loss of a loved one or another traumatic event, grief can be frightening and strange. An adult, even a parent, who is not accustomed to the behavior patterns of grieving children may not be able to help.

That is where support groups and activities come into play.

"Camp BraveHeart was the most wonderful experience," said Patrice Cox, bereavement coordinator at Hospice of Jackson & Oaklawn, one of four hospices involved in running the camp. "The kids really bonded with each other."

While Camp BraveHeart did in part use talking sessions to help children express their emotions, other activities played a central role in the retreat, which hosted 15 Jackson-area children. Jennifer's candle, flag and teddy bear represented some of the ways she was able to cope with her grief at BraveHeart.

"Adults have been taught to be verbal," Cox said. "Children do art, they do a lot of pictures, they can do music. I've had little boys sit and make up rap songs on the spot."

According to Cox and other experts on juvenile bereavement, children grieve just as intensely, and sometimes for longer periods of time, as adults. Adults too often misread children or mistakenly believe that they have gotten past their sadness when they are able to play and participate in lighthearted activities.

Helen Fitzgerald, a therapist certified in helping people cope with death, has written three books on bereavement and writes a Web column for www.americanhospice.org. The nationally recognized expert on juvenile bereavement confirmed that the most common misperception of grieving children is that they are not grieving at all.

"Because kids can put their grief on the shelf and go off and play, it looks like they're doing fine," she said. "That's especially true with teenagers. Many times no one takes time to sit down and talk with them."

Fitzgerald helped her own children deal with grief when her husband passed away. She asked her four children if they wanted to have a keepsake of their dad.

"One of them wanted his old torn sweatshirt," she said.

Many experts on bereavement urge adults to allow children to attend funerals, viewings and memorials. While adults may steer children clear of these events, they actually show children that death and grieving are normal, Fitzgerald said.

"I think children need to be involved in all of the ritual around the death, and not be sent to the neighbors, unless they really don't want to be at the funeral," she said. "I would do a lot of preparation before a funeral, and tell them that there are going to be a lot of emotions. You can even have them help other people who are grieving."

Sometimes a parent or relative does not have the skills to help a child through his grief, particularly if the child experienced extreme trauma such as witnessing a death or having a parent commit suicide. Outside assistance should be contacted in such situations, and Jackson County has a number of organizations ready and willing to help.

At Journeys of Michigan, children can engage in play therapy, a kind of supervised play in which toys become a conduit for communicating emotions. Susan Brassil, a registered play therapist, certified addictions counselor, and limited licensed psychologist, works with children at the center on N. West Avenue in the LifeWays building (Journeys of Michigan also has a location in Hillsdale).

"Frequently, what you will see in play therapy is that the kid will work their issues out right in front of you," Brassil said. "They might point at a doll and say, 'She's sad.' If you ask, 'What do you think she can do about that?' the child may resolve the problem on their own."

The center's hundreds of toys, from colorful blocks to stuffed animals to dolls, provide means of communication for grieving kids. In the sandbox room, children are asked to create a scene of the world as they see it. Two boxes of sand and shelves full of lifelike figurines, tiny cars, miniature plastic animals, and other small toys provide tools for the children to create their scene.

"Children don't often have the vocabulary to express themselves," Brassil said. "That's why we have play."

Whether adults choose to communicate with children on their own or use outside support, they should remember this: Kids, like any of us, need help sometimes.

    

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