|
 Children
Often Can't Verbalize Their Grief, So Symptoms May be Hard to
Spot
by Caryn Meyers Fliegler, Jackson Citizen Patriot,
October 28, 2003
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http://www.bridges4kids.org.
In the world of
adults, talking represents the most common way to deal with
grief. But for children, words are sometimes the last resort.
Jennifer Willson, 12, mourned the loss of her grandmother,
Barbara Dixon, by decorating a candle in a tin coffee can and
setting it out on the waters of a serene Michigan lake.
"We also made a flag about how we felt about stuff, and made a
teddy bear," the Jackson resident said.
She created these projects while attending Camp BraveHeart, a
weekend retreat created by area hospices to help grieving
children. The camp, which will take place again next summer, is
one of many activities and groups in and near Jackson County
that help children deal with grief.
For Jennifer and other children who have experienced the loss of
a loved one or another traumatic event, grief can be frightening
and strange. An adult, even a parent, who is not accustomed to
the behavior patterns of grieving children may not be able to
help.
That is where support groups and activities come into play.
"Camp BraveHeart was the most wonderful experience," said
Patrice Cox, bereavement coordinator at Hospice of Jackson &
Oaklawn, one of four hospices involved in running the camp. "The
kids really bonded with each other."
While Camp BraveHeart did in part use talking sessions to help
children express their emotions, other activities played a
central role in the retreat, which hosted 15 Jackson-area
children. Jennifer's candle, flag and teddy bear represented
some of the ways she was able to cope with her grief at
BraveHeart.
"Adults have been taught to be verbal," Cox said. "Children do
art, they do a lot of pictures, they can do music. I've had
little boys sit and make up rap songs on the spot."
According to Cox and other experts on juvenile bereavement,
children grieve just as intensely, and sometimes for longer
periods of time, as adults. Adults too often misread children or
mistakenly believe that they have gotten past their sadness when
they are able to play and participate in lighthearted
activities.
Helen Fitzgerald, a therapist certified in helping people cope
with death, has written three books on bereavement and writes a
Web column for www.americanhospice.org. The nationally
recognized expert on juvenile bereavement confirmed that the
most common misperception of grieving children is that they are
not grieving at all.
"Because kids can put their grief on the shelf and go off and
play, it looks like they're doing fine," she said. "That's
especially true with teenagers. Many times no one takes time to
sit down and talk with them."
Fitzgerald helped her own children deal with grief when her
husband passed away. She asked her four children if they wanted
to have a keepsake of their dad.
"One of them wanted his old torn sweatshirt," she said.
Many experts on bereavement urge adults to allow children to
attend funerals, viewings and memorials. While adults may steer
children clear of these events, they actually show children that
death and grieving are normal, Fitzgerald said.
"I think children need to be involved in all of the ritual
around the death, and not be sent to the neighbors, unless they
really don't want to be at the funeral," she said. "I would do a
lot of preparation before a funeral, and tell them that there
are going to be a lot of emotions. You can even have them help
other people who are grieving."
Sometimes a parent or relative does not have the skills to help
a child through his grief, particularly if the child experienced
extreme trauma such as witnessing a death or having a parent
commit suicide. Outside assistance should be contacted in such
situations, and Jackson County has a number of organizations
ready and willing to help.
At Journeys of Michigan, children can engage in play therapy, a
kind of supervised play in which toys become a conduit for
communicating emotions. Susan Brassil, a registered play
therapist, certified addictions counselor, and limited licensed
psychologist, works with children at the center on N. West
Avenue in the LifeWays building (Journeys of Michigan also has a
location in Hillsdale).
"Frequently, what you will see in play therapy is that the kid
will work their issues out right in front of you," Brassil said.
"They might point at a doll and say, 'She's sad.' If you ask,
'What do you think she can do about that?' the child may resolve
the problem on their own."
The center's hundreds of toys, from colorful blocks to stuffed
animals to dolls, provide means of communication for grieving
kids. In the sandbox room, children are asked to create a scene
of the world as they see it. Two boxes of sand and shelves full
of lifelike figurines, tiny cars, miniature plastic animals, and
other small toys provide tools for the children to create their
scene.
"Children don't often have the vocabulary to express
themselves," Brassil said. "That's why we have play."
Whether adults choose to communicate with children on their own
or use outside support, they should remember this: Kids, like
any of us, need help sometimes.
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