Boys
Don’t Cry: So What’s a Man To Do?
by Robert Naseef, Ph.D.,
www.SpecialFamilies.com
For more articles like this
visit
https://www.bridges4kids.org.
A common
stereotype is that men bury and sometimes deny their emotions.
On the other hand, I have many experiences as a psychologist and
as a father and many sources which tell me quite the contrary.
My own story and those of the men who seek my counsel have to do
with being the father of a child with a disability or special
healthcare needs. These extraordinary experiences are often a
catalyst that defies the stereotype.
“Men may excel at building empires, but we’re not much for
taking care of ourselves” according to Geoffrey Cowley
(Newsweek, June 16, 2003 in the cover story on the male body and
mind.) As a striking illustration, we know women live 7 years
longer on the average than men, who are less likely to receive
needed medical care as well as social and emotional support. Yet
men and women live on the same planet and face similar stresses.
Much of the gap both perceived and real has to do with how hard
it can be for men to admit or even recognize our
vulnerabilities. As Michael Addis and James Mahalik note in
their article “Men, Masculinity, and the Context of Help
Seeking” (January 2003 issue of American Psychologist), “Not all
men are the same, nor does it make much sense to assume that
individual men behave similarly in all help seeking contexts.”
Their article explores why some men are able to seek help for
some problems under some circumstances but not for others. While
sometimes useful, the authors note that the problem in comparing
men and women as groups is that the generalizations can become
stereotypes that constrain both women and men.
I have taken notes from the men in the support groups I
facilitate for fathers of children with special needs and my
psychology practice. These are men whose circumstances have been
a channel for them to open up as we discuss what it’s like to be
a father of a child with special needs or developmental
disabilities. In groups they have the opportunity to help each
other and to experience that their difficulties are “normal” in
their situation. They experience acceptance from other men when
they open up and share their pain. Here are some of their
stories with their names and identities disguised:
“If my dad gave up on me, I’d be the school janitor. I was mad
at the world. My dad helped me to find my passion, and helped me
to overcome my obstacles.” This came from Frank who has a
learning disability himself and who has a son with a disability.
Today he is a successful executive of a Fortune 500 company.
“When my son was first diagnosed, I thought he might never make
janitor. Now 10 years later, he is doing well, and it looks like
he can go to college (with a support program). I took a lesson
from my own father about how to believe in him.” Frank was an
inspiration to the group.
But the symptoms and the outcomes vary. “They tell me it’s hard
to be the father of a typical kid. I wouldn’t know.” This came
from Larry who has a son with Aspergers disorder and another boy
with PDD (Pervasive Developmental Disorder). He feels depressed
now that school is out, and his children cannot go out and play
with the other children in the neighborhood for they do not know
how to interact.
Maurice who has a child with Down syndrome shares his dilemma.
“I come here and talk with you guys, and I get my feelings out.
I feel cleansed. Then I go home and act like a husband—it’s like
I think I get points for being remote. So that’s how I have been
acting. I hear what you guys are saying about opening up at
home, but I still act like my wife and kids need me to hold it
in and appear strong. I’m not sure I can get over that. I’m not
sure I want to.”
Jeff also has two children with PDD. “You can’t fix it, so you
learn to live with it. My wife feels like she is to blame, and I
haven’t been able to help her get over that. We try to give each
other hope, but it’s hard. She says I don’t smile enough. I’m
not sure I can remember the last time I smiled. I love my boys
so much, but between me and my wife it’s like one beggar who
found a piece of bread sharing it. I just want to smile more.”
Tony has a daughter with cerebral palsy. She’s a teenager who
still isn’t toilet trained. “I learned how to accept her
limitations many years ago. She’s been a great inspiration to
me. My wife had a harder time than I did coming to grips with
it. I’ve learned here that maybe she felt responsible for my
daughter’s disability in the beginning. It took me longer to
accept my wife’s imperfections. I’m grateful that she’s forgiven
me for that and that we’re still together and happy with each
other.”
Phil is the father of another girl with Retts Syndrome. “I’m so
happy. She took 7 steps on her own. She’s beating the odds
according to her neurologist. I thought we might not get this
far. Now I’m not sure what to hope for next.”
It’s a delicate balance of hope and reality—accepting the bad
news about a child’s condition and working for the best. Men in
particular struggle with their anger through the process. “My
fuse is much shorter now,” according to Sal, “I’ve started to
exercise, and now my fuse is getting longer. I’ve just got to be
nicer to my wife and children. Julie accepts me, but I don’t
always deserve her.”
“I can’t melt down. I’m there taking care of my family the best
I can. Someone has to be the rock. I cry when I’m alone in the
car, but I stay rational at home.” It’s not like every man can
change--especially overnight. What helps? The men I talk with
tell me they want to be appreciated for their loyalty to their
families. They want to be recognized for trying their best. They
are real men.
At
www.fathersnetwork.org, we read “The old myths are far flung
-- and deeply held -- that men are hard driven, inexpressive,
pragmatic creatures, devoid of strong emotions or the capacity
to nurture, always more at home with work than with their
families.” The numerous articles and photos on that web site
shatter those stereotypes. There we can read accounts by many
fathers about their journeys through grief and depression as
they love and care for their children.
Kyle is the father of a child with an intractable seizure
disorder. Recently he told me that his son has brought out the
best and the worst in him. On the one hand, his son has taught
him patience and understanding. On the other hand, he has come
to realize and admit that sometimes the pain of watching his
seizures is just too much, and he doesn’t always want to spend
time with his son.
Al has a son with a bleeding disorder. “Some days my son’s pain
is overwhelming. I can’t bear to see him go through it. It feels
like my pain. He’s an extremely tough kid with lots of courage.
He’s taught me that I am stronger than I thought. I worry about
who will want to date him. I worry more than he does. The way he
takes each day as it comes makes me realize that sometimes the
son teaches the father.”
On June 14, 2003, I participated in the “Ride for Autism
www.ride4autism.org,” a
fundraiser for the New Jersey Center for Outreach and Services
for the Autism Community, Inc. There I met John Fisher Gray and
his son Ian who lives with autism. They rode 50 miles on a
tandem, and left the rest of their team from
www.TalkAutism.org, this
writer included, gasping for breath on the hills. John and Ian
have found something they enjoy doing together, and on every
possible evening after work, John and Ian ride around the
streets and parks of Delaware.
The examples in this article come from my work as a psychologist
with men and my life as the father of an adult child with
autism. As I wrote to my son Tariq, "I have tried so hard to
change you, and in the end it was you who changed me. Instead of
becoming the son I wanted you to be you made me become the man I
needed to be.”
On a broader scale, many of the same principles apply to men
reaching out for help when needed. On the National Institute of
Mental Health web site, we read, “In America alone, over 6
million men have depression each year. Whether you're a company
executive, a construction worker, a writer, a police officer, or
a student, whether you are rich or poor, surrounded by loved
ones or alone, you are not immune to depression. Some factors,
however, such as family history, undue stress, the loss of a
loved one or other serious illnesses can make you more
vulnerable.”
Included at
http://menanddepression.nimh.nih.gov/infopage.asp?ID=1 are
real life stories from soldiers, police officers, and fire
fighters, and professional men as well. These stories go a long
way in breaking down the traditional masculine stereotypes which
emphasize self-reliance, emotional control, and power. It is in
looking beyond these generalizations that we can understand and
appreciate men as they struggle to live with their inner lives.
A few weeks ago, I got an e-mail from a visitor to my web site,
“Thank you for giving a father's perspective -- especially in a
world where a man's masculinity is still judged by how much
emotion/feeling he can keep inside. Your book has helped my
husband quite a bit.”
So what’s a man to do? Make no mistake about it, in all walks of
life, individuals, women and men alike, benefit from reading or
hearing a genuine version of masculine perspectives and
passions. It takes strength and courage to open up. Hang in and
do your best, whatever it takes!
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